Behind the Name, Beautiful Thorns

Years ago I went through a severe trial and very intense spiritual warfare. After that happened, I cried out to the Lord and told him, "I just want a normal, leisurely life"! Well, he heard my prayer and he left me alone for the next 6 years. Needless to say, I was miserable! There were no spiritual consolations; I did not sense or hear from the Lord at all during that time. The worst part about it though was my passion towards him was gone! I had no desire to pray or to serve him. I felt like Jesus could have appeared in all his glory right in front of me and I would not have been moved. It was a very scary place to be and even made me question my salvation.

At first I did not recognize that this was an answer to my prayer. When I finally realized it, I repented for praying that way and began pressing in to have God's presence again in my life.  I cried out to the Lord and asked for passion to return. I also asked for the intercession of St. Raphael (an Archangel found in the book of Tobit, associated with bringing God's healing). Well, to put it mildly, he heard and answered my prayer. I received a great spiritual and emotional healing. It was more like St. Raphael took a burning coal from the throne room of God and touched my heart with it and it caused me to bawl like a baby for hours.

Since that happened, I have been very careful not to go back to that place of desolation and lack of passion for the Lord. I even told the Lord never to let me go back to that place again and to do whatever it takes to keep me from it. You see, I am human and when given the choice between comfort and carrying my cross, I usually choose comfort. I flinch at the idea of fasting and doing penance. The Lord knows that my flesh is weak so he sometimes gives me what I call "thorns". He lovingly hands me thorns from his crown, an opportunity to share in his sufferings. He does this so I can come up higher and deepen my relationship with him.

I have not always received these thorns well and out of fear and false humility would tell Jesus in my heart, "Oh, I could never handle even a fraction of what you went through!". I have learned over time however that he knows best and I can trust him. He knows the best and quickest way to transform me into his image and draw me closer to him. When everything is going well, I am less likely to cling to him and recognize my need for him.

When the thorns or trials of life come and when I am not feeling well physically, the temptation is still there to get discouraged and depressed but I am learning to lean back in him and let him do a work in me. When I do cling to him and he pulls me through it, I usually come to a place of greater love for the Lord and others and am able to receive greater revelation. Hence the name Beautiful Thorns!

2 Corinthians 4:17 -For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 

The Finest Wheat

One thing that serves as a  great consolation to the heart of Jesus and helps give him strength to continually pour himself out and give himself to us in the Eucharist is his people laying their lives down and joining their sufferings to his sufferings. Every disappointment, every tear, every heartache, every physical suffering joined to the heart of Christ becomes a sweet smelling offering of crushed wheat given at the table of the Lord. Jesus then takes this finest wheat and forms it into bread which is consecrated into Jesus' body and blood, broken and given for us all.

The Road Less Traveled

I've kind of fallen behind in blogging. I am in the thick of being pregnant and miserable. Fortunately some of the nausea has let up but now I am dealing with constant headaches. When I am pregnant, sometimes I think it would be better if I just crawled into a hole for nine months and didn't see anyone. I feel like even if I am not complaining in words, misery is written all over my face and I do not want to be a downer to anyone. The Lord reminded me that when he walked Calvary, he wasn't smiling. Actually that would have been pretty weird if he would have been. Also, the image of Veronica's veil came to my mind. According to Christian tradition, there was a woman named Veronica who was deeply devoted to Christ. She followed him on the road to Calvary and wiped his bloody face with her veil. The image of Christ's face was transferred onto the veil. There are documents of this as far back as the early 300's. I felt like the Lord was telling me that when we choose the road of suffering (which could just mean doing His will instead of our own) and join our suffering to his, we cannot help but leave an imprint on the lives of others.

Dying to Live

“At times, to choose the will of God over our own is excruciating. We love our flesh and it hurts to have its desires crucified! Never misunderstand pain as permission to forego the will of God.” - Beth Moore.  

I could not have said it better myself! I can definitely relate to that quote these days as I am currently almost 10 weeks pregnant. I am in the thick of all day long morning sickness that will most likely last for 20 weeks, fatigue, congestion, and moodiness. Next trimester I will probably look forward to migraines and pubic symphysis pain and the third trimester, gestational diabetes, constant contractions, preterm labor and bed rest. After the baby is born it will most likely send me into a flare-up with my connective tissue disorder which will cause me to have debilitating joint pain and muscle weakness for 9 months to a year.  I've been thinking lately that people would be right to think I am insane to put myself and my family through a 7th pregnancy. It really was not a very logical decision especially as my oldest daughter is getting ready to go to college in the fall and we are still wondering where all the funds are going to come from. 

I went to Eucharistic adoration last Friday and the Lord helped me have a better attitude. I felt like he told me that yes, I am insane...insanely in love with him! That was a good reminder for me and a very good reason to make the choices I have made. Tom and I really believed the Lord wanted us to have another child and that is the reason we were open and conceived again.  We did not choose this because we selfishly "needed" another child. Don't get me wrong. Human life is precious and sacred and we are very blessed. I just do not have the suffering part of it down yet.

People often say that God will not give us more than we can handle. I think they get that from the scripture that says, "God will not test us beyond our strength." 1 Cor. 10:13  I see this as two separate things. God gives me more than I can handle all the time but isn't that the point. We are supposed to let go, surrender, and learn to find all our strength in him. We need to come to the place where we realize that we can do NOTHING without him. I used to pray for healing and that the Lord would take this condition away from me.  You know what he said to me? "My grace is sufficient for you."

It is ironic. When I was in college, I was discerning the religious life (becoming a nun). I think one reason I decided not to go that route is because I was afraid of losing myself and my identity. By choosing the beautiful path of marriage and family, that is still happening to me. I think however that that is what is supposed to happen. We are supposed to lose ourselves.  We are supposed to lose our lives! It is no longer supposed to be us who lives, but Christ who lives in us (Matt. 16:25). Once I have this baby, I am pretty sure there isn't going to be anything left of ME. I think that might be the point though and I think that might be when the fruit of joy comes in. If there is nothing left of us and all that is left is Christ, wouldn't that ultimately bring complete joy and freedom?!

Sometimes the Lord takes me on adventures. Not because I am anything special but probably because I am able to open up my imagination to him in that way. He has taken me on a hot air balloon ride to China where we talked to an elderly lady who had a lot of wisdom, we have stood on top of a mountain overlooking a river valley at a National park and most recently we watched people skiing in the Alps. One thing I believe the Lord keeps saying to me as he takes me on these adventures is, "Do not feel bad if you do not get to experience everything this world has to offer. What I have prepared for you is greater than ALL this!"

So, I will look forward to losing myself in the hope of gaining more of Christ and I look forward to the day when my joy will be complete!

Reveal - ation

Some might wonder why I am so open about the revelation I receive from the Lord.  After all, didn't Mary ponder all things in her heart?! St. Therese of Lisiuex even said that revealing certain revelation can lessen the fragrance of it. I agree with having the same attitude as Our Lady and St. Therese. I think it is important to initially ponder revelation in our heart. When the Lord gives us revelation, we need to first let it germinate and grow deep roots in our own heart before we share it with others. There are also certain revelations that reflect our intimacy with the Lord that probably should not be shared. Mary pondered all things in her heart but I do not think she permanently kept those things there. Just look at the Magnificat, a powerful, prophetic utterance! There are also Gospel accounts that we might not have if Mary didn't share what she experienced. However, if we let revelation from the Lord germinate first in our own hearts then we can give people a piece of the plant without giving them the whole plant.

There was a time I was insecure about the revelation I would receive, especially when I would see things others did not see. One such incident involved a girl who was on the worship team at a church I attended.  She was a very likable person and had a lot of friends. However I discerned that she was involved in witchcraft along with some other things. I brought some lesser offenses to the pastor concerning her in order to test the water. Even these lesser offenses were not received so I knew the greater ones definitely would not be. Since the pastor was not willing to do anything about it, I had to take matters into my own hands. I told this girl I could not have a relationship with her outside church unless she got the help she needed. The next couple years, she made my life a living hell! She turned people against me and I'm pretty sure she was cursing  and casting spells on me and my family. I wanted so bad to leave that church but the Lord would not release me.  He was calling me to stay and face it. It felt like I was face to face with a big dragon that was breathing fire in my face and I had to stay and take it.  Finally, that pastor left and we got a new one.  I went to him and told him everything. He believed me, confronted her and made her leave unless she was willing to change. I was relieved to say the least!

After that incident, I just wanted to wash my hands of anything supernatural. I began praying for a nice leisurely life. A life like my sister and her family had. They would go boating and camping every weekend and didn't seem to have a care in the world. I told the Lord I wanted that kind of life and just wanted to be "normal". Well, the Lord honored my request and for about 4 or 5 years he left me alone. I hardly had any revelation at all. I didn't have any dreams or visions and I didn't hear the Lord speaking to me hardly at all. I was absolutely miserable!!! The worst thing about those years is that passion for the Lord was also gone. I kept praying for it to come back not realizing that the lack of passion was also an answer to my prayer. It was so bad that I felt like Jesus could have appeared right in front of me  and I would not have been moved. It was a horrible place to be! I finally realized that this was not the life I wanted and I began to repent for ever asking for a nice, normal, leisurely life. Through the Lord's infinite mercy, he began to restore back the passion in my heart and eventually I began to receive revelation again.

I am forever grateful for the Lord's mercy and that he restored me. I never want to go back to the place I once was. I am very careful now to keep up with my prayer life and my relationship with the Lord. Almost every time I receive communion now I get teary eyed because I realize the level of intimacy that is available to us through the Eucharist. I am so grateful for all his gifts and especially for the gift of tears. I realize that it is  a gift to even be moved by him.

It is amazing to me how the Lord can bring good out of any situation. It is through my experience that I was able to realize that the world does not have anything better to offer. People are miserable if they do not have the Lord. They might appear happy on the outside but on the inside they are lost. People however are not interested in a god that is distant and just a judge in the sky with a list of does and don't.  People want the real deal! They are interested in a Living God. A God that cares about them and they can have a relationship with. Here, especially in the west, Christians might be afraid to admit if they hear from the Lord because they are afraid of appearing "crazy".  However, that is what sets our God apart from other "gods"!  Psalm 135:15-17 says - "The idols of the nations are silver and gold, made by the hands of men.  They have mouths, but cannot speak, eyes, but they cannot see; they have ears, but cannot hear, nor is there breath in their mouths." We are called to have a relationship with God through his son, Jesus Christ. A relationship involves two way communication. People are longing and hungering for that kind of relationship! Our God is a Living God that longs to speak to us and have a relationship with us. This, my friends is why I am not shy about sharing revelation. 

Sweet Nothings

When I was a little girl we lived out in the country and there were lots of little purple flowers called clover blossoms that would grow in the field.  Somehow I discovered that if you pulled off a petal and sucked on it,  it contained sweet nector. I don't know if many people would  know that about this unassuming flower.  In the same way, when we join our sufferings to Christ's sufferings they become so sweet. Somehow when we join our sufferings to Christ, he takes them and turns them into something beautiful.  He has a way of turning our sorrow into joy.

"The holy sufferings of Jesus is a sea of sorrows, but it is also a sea of love.  Ask the Lord to teach you to fish in this sea.  Immerse yourself in it, and , no matter how deeply you go, you will never reach the bottom.  Allow yourself to be penetrated with love and sorrow. In this way you will make the sufferings of the gentle Jesus your own. Fish for the  pearls of the virtues of Jesus. This holy fishing is done without words." - St. Paul of the Cross

Butterfly Kisses

Most of the time when I am in prayer it is spent in meditation, contemplation and intercession.  I rarely ask the Lord questions but I find when I do I almost always receive an answer.  I don't know why but I often do not expect an answer and I don't always recognize the revelation I receive as a direct response to my question. That happened to me a few weeks ago.

Before I tell you what my question was, let me clarify that I am 110% pro-life.  I see it as a grave evil and a spiritual battle.  I believe that Satan, through the act of abortion would like to kill as many of these innocent lives as he can because nothing reflects God better than an innocent baby made in his image and likeness. I believe these babies therefore are little martyrs that go to heaven. My heart in the matter has always been very grievous, especially for the mother.  I often feel led to intercede for these women who are damaging themselves psychologically and spiritually through such an unnatural act as to kill their own child. Not to mention that they are rejecting such a precious gift. I know women who have had abortions and at the time they did not fully realize what they were doing but later deeply regretted it and said it was the worst decision they had ever made.  Fortunately, the women I know have taken it to the cross and have received God's mercy.  There are other women however that will try to escape the pain of what they have done by escaping through drug and alcohol use and all around continuing to make unhealthy decisions.  There are always repercussions.

So, here was my question:  I told the Lord that I knew abortion was intrinsically wrong but if the babies go straight to heaven, give me understanding on how the babies suffer and how it would have been better for them to live here on  earth. Ultimately I knew it would be better but I felt I needed understanding as to how. After all, some might have decided to reject God in this life. I might have a strange way of thinking but if people are honest some might admit they have had the same question.

A few weeks later, I had a vision that I did not see as an answer to my question until recently.  It was a vision of Mary unlike any statue or picture I have ever seen of her.  In the vision she was very youthful, smiling and wearing a midnight blue cloak.  Her hair was flowing under her veil and the cloak had twinkling stars all over it. I then watched as the twinkling stars would come off her cloak and form into butterflies which were the same color midnight blue as her cloak and trimmed in black.  Mary was kneeling down, playing with the butterflies, letting them land on her finger and taking great delight in them. I also had the understanding that I was one of those butterflies.

I didn't fully know what the vision meant until I was at a conference with Dr. Peter Kreeft. His morning talk was entitled "Why Pro-Life?" During his talk he happened to mention Our Lady of Guadalupe and how she is the patroness of the Americas and we should ask for her intercession to end abortion.  He then mentioned how in the picture of her, she is standing on the moon just like the woman in the book of Revelation and the woman in Genesis that crushes the head of Satan. The moon for the Aztecs was the god of night. Mary standing on the moon shows that her obedience to God conqueres darkness. This is a spiritual battle and she is the one to intercede to end abortion.  He then gave a history of Our Lady of Guadalupe.  Because of her appearance to Juan Diego and the miraculous image that appeared on his cloak, millions of Aztec Indians converted to Christianity. The Aztec Indians were known for sacrificing their babies to the pagan gods and millions were sacrificed.  

It then hit me that the Lord was answering my question about abortion when he gave me that image of Mary and the image I had of her was actually Our Lady of Guadalupe.  Just like Our Lady of Guadalupe she had a blue cloak with stars all over it.  I then realized that the real tragedy behind these little lives being cut short through the act of abortion is they are not given the opportunity like we have, to be transformed like butterflies into the image of Christ by sharing in his life, suffering, death and resurrection. It also reminded me of a quote by St. Padre Pio, "The angels are jealous of us because they cannot suffer" and thus join in Christ's sufferings for the Church and one another. We shouldn't take for granted that we have the opportunity to grow in love and express our love for others through sacrifice. "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends" - John 15:13.

Let us call upon Our Lady of Guadalupe to intercede for the lives of the unborn that they will be given the opportunity to live and grow in the knowledge of God! Let us also pray that we may be transformed by the trials and tribulations of this life into beautiful butterflies. Our Lady takes great delight in a soul that is fully committed to Christ and is willing to be transformed into his image!

Just BEE

It was 1998 and a typical dreary day in Kalamazoo, Michigan.  My older two daughters were around the ages of two and four. Once again I was stuck on the couch dealing with a debilitating fatigue and muscle weakness. I had a hard time even taking care of the basic needs of my little girls.  This was before I knew I had an autoimmune condition so part of me just thought I was being lazy.  What I did know however was that I didn't have the strength to even lift myself off the couch so I decided to make the best of the situation and meditate on the Lord. 

This time as I was meditating on him, three images came to my mind.  I saw a spider, a grasshopper, and a bee.  I felt like the Lord asked me which I'd rather be like.  I thought about it and realized a spider just kills pesky insects. A grasshopper destroys crops.  A bee however gets to provide something good for society and make honey.  I told the Lord I would rather be like the bee.  I then felt like he said, "Bees lie dormant for a time before they get to make honey."  I did not realize this about bees so I did a little research and sure enough, I discovered that the baby larvae bees lie dormant in the honey comb before they are mature enough to come out and start making honey.

The Lord began to teach me some valuable life lessons that day. Leaning back and resting in God's love for me, I began to realize his love was perfect and complete; There was nothing I could do to make him love me less and there was nothing I could do to make him love me more. God's main goal for my life was to perfect me in that love. Everything else was secondary. Unless I first received his love, then I did not have much love to give to others. And so my journey to greater serenity and intimacy with the Lord began!