The Way to Perfection

Happy feast of the Immaculate Conception! When we look at Mary, we can see a real contrast with that of the world. She is an example of what we are capable of becoming through Christ. With the World, we are getting a full on view of what happens when people don't know or follow Christ. So much is coming to light these days! It is  God alone who makes us more fully human and when we don't follow him, we become less human and make others less human by objectifying them.

When we choose to follow Jesus and receive his life in us, we have an advocate. He is extremely patient and kind and transforms us little by little, chiseling away the rough edges like a sculptor sculpting a beautiful piece of artwork out of marble.

I was not always aware of God's transforming power. I used to be very performance driven. I thought when I decided to follow him almost 30 years ago that I had to be perfect right away. I would beat myself up and fall into despair if I would mess up and do something wrong.

Over the years, I have learned to lean back in him, let him do a work in me and try not to tell the potter he is taking too long.

Last week I even had a dream that shows how far I have come in my way of thinking. In my dream, another woman and I were put in charge of cleaning a swimming pool. The swimming pool was a real mess! The water was a putrid green and filled with debris. I knew if I just worked on it a little bit each day and put a jug of chlorine in it each day, eventually it would be crystal clear. The other woman however was very irritated and impatient. She felt it needed to be completely clean right away.

In the spiritual life, we can often become impatient with ourselves, thinking we need to be perfect right away. However, Christ is the only one capable of making us clean from the inside out. When we entrust ourselves to him, we need to trust in what he is doing and his perfect timing.

In fact he is so patient and kind, he doesn't even want to dwell on the negative stuff we are often focused on. What I have come to realize, is that if I focus on his majesty and greatness instead of my imperfections and sins, that other stuff will work itself out.

Just yesterday I was talking to the Lord about some struggles I was having. It was good I was bringing it to him but he wasn't really interested in focusing on that. Instead he was so kind and began to give me some practical advice regarding the future. 

When I was a kid, my dad had a 25 ft. sailboat. We would always go sailing on Lake of the Ozarks when we lived in Missouri or Lake Pontchartrain when we lived in Louisiana. I loved sailing! We would also anchor the boat in a cove in the Lake and sleep on the boat at night. When we were done sailing and it was time to dock the boat, it was very important to secure the ropes connected to the boat to the horn cleats that were on the dock. If you didn't secure it just right, your boat could drift away.

This is what came to my mind yesterday. The Lord was letting me know that he is like the horn cleat that we need to secure ourselves tightly to. This way, even if things get terrifying in the world, we won't drift out to sea. 

The Lord kindly keeps telling me not to be afraid of things that are to come. These things are going to be necessary in order for people to recognize their need for him and these things will lead to a harvest of souls.

I think it has become very obvious in our world, that what people need most is Jesus!

Finally Getting Answers

Back when I was in college I remember experiencing debilitating fatigue and muscle weakness. I thought I was just being lazy.

After I had my second kid, it got worse. Again, I thought I was just being lazy. 

There were days I couldn't even pull myself off the couch. One day that was particularly awful, I heard the Lord tell me that I had a physical illness. He also showed me some other stuff which you can read about here.

That began the long road to getting answers.

I started going to doctors, which was difficult because I don't like to complain. Some thought I was crazy, some thought I was just depressed, and none were able to find anything wrong with me.

Finally after my 4th kid, about 9 years ago, I saw a Rheumatologist who did the right blood work and it showed I had some kind of connective tissue autoimmune condition but it was non specific. He said I also had Fibromyalgia.

At least I had some answers.

Several years later, that Rheumatologist retired and I started going to someone else. He did my blood work and found nothing.

Meanwhile, my symptoms have been getting worse. I now experience pain in most of my muscles and joints along with the debilitating fatigue. It is also strange, because it is not everyday. It can also vary from the morning to the evening and the days I have flare-ups, I also experience a low-grade fever.

Not knowing how I am going to feel from day to day or even hour to hour, has at times made me nervous to make plans. I never know how I am going to feel. I usually have to remind myself that God always gives me the grace when I need it.

Sometimes I catch myself worrying what people will think. I look healthy, so I wonder if people just think I am lazy or passive because I am not involved in more. I've really had to learn to not worry what people think. I know I need to pace myself and only do the things the Lord is leading me to do. That is the only way I will have the grace and strength I need.

I started going to a new doctor here in Indiana. I told her everything I was experiencing. She really listened, seemed to care and ordered a massive amount of blood work.

I'm finally getting answers!

It turns out, I have multiple conditions that could be causing my fatigue: Hypothyroidism, low iron, low vitamin D, and yes, an autoimmune, connective tissue disorder. She also ordered some more tests to see if we can find out a more specific connective tissue disorder.

I am very encouraged! Not because I am sick, but because I am finally getting answers to why I often feel the way I do and I can start doing things that will help me feel better.

I know the Lord's heart for me is to be whole and healthy. I know he wants me to  live life to the fullest. I also know for every year I've had to live with all this, he is going to give me a double portion of his Spirit. He is going to restore the years the locusts have eaten. I rejoice in him for who he is and what he is doing! He will have the final say!

At the same time, the lessons I have learned from all this has been invaluable! I have learned to be tenacious and to persevere. I have learned to cling to and be dependent on the Lord in all humility. I have also grown in an intimacy with him that I don't think I would have experienced any other way.

Recently the Lord brought back to my mind something I heard when I took my daughters horse back riding. Before we got on our horse, we had an instructor teaching us how to ride. She saw that many of us had tennis shoes on instead of cowboy boots. She said we would have to be extra careful because the benefits of cowboy boots was it had a heal. The groove of the heal could help you stay more securely in the stirrups.

The Lord has called me to ride with him. Where he is taking me, I am going to have to make sure my feet are securely in the stirrups. He might go fast. I believe the Lord showed me the following:  The crook of the heal keeping the boot in the stirrup on one side is faith joined with humility. On the other, it is love joined with prayer.

We are coming into some amazing times! We are going to see some amazing things! Many are going to be called to participate. In order to keep up, and not fall off the horse, we are going to need to be firmly grounded and rooted in Christ. Now is the time to prepare and get ready by surrendering to the Lord's transformative work. He knows what he is doing! 

Let us rejoice in the process that makes us feel weak but in actuality, makes us stronger!

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - And he has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my grace is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

A Few Random Thoughts

The Grace of the Resurrection

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Easter and had a blessed Lent! One year I was feeling sad at Easter because I felt like I could have done a better job taking advantage of the grace available during

Lent. The Lord encouraged me however and told me, "There is even more grace available with the Resurrection!" So, if you are one of those persons who could have taken advantage of more of grace during Lent, you have another chance during this Easter season!

Divine Mercy Sunday

I had an interesting thing happen this past Sunday. Right after Mass on Divine Mercy Sunday, we stopped at our local grocery store to pick up some lunch food. I was at the deli counter and right in front of me a fight almost broke out. There was a man in line but he did not get a number. Another man came along, got a number and right after, his number was called. Well the guy that did not get a number was ticked because he was there first. He started calling the other man, who by the way was elderly, all kinds of names and told him he deserved a punch in the face and he even aggressively rubbed up against him. I was very impressed at how the elderly man handled himself. He just kind of smiled at the other man and didn't try defend himself or fight back. Meanwhile, I was right in back of them with tears welling up in my eyes. I had just left Mass, was very moved when I received Jesus in the Eucharist and then encountered this unsettling scene. That was just a small glimpse into the sins people commit everyday. Further proof that the mercy of God is a bottomless ocean since he sees everything and doesn't decide to annihilate us all!

Faith Alone

I have picked up on the fact that there seems to be an overwhelming presumption among many Protestants that Catholics think they are saved by their works. Some of these Protestants feel that it is their duty to clarify to Catholics that "It is by grace through faith alone that we are saved and is a free gift!", as they quote Ephesians 2:8.  First of all, I do not see the word "alone" when I read that passage. Secondly, I find this very ironic because often times these same Protestants believe that children are not "saved" and can not be baptized until they can vocally profess faith in Christ. If it is by grace and a free gift, then wouldn't it make sense to allow even a baby who can not do anything to have it too?! Instead that child has to do something, like say, walk down an aisle as they respond to an altar call to get it? Also, how do these same Protestants reconcile passages like James 2 that talks about faith without works is dead and Acts 16 that says your whole household will be saved? And for those of the "once saved, always saved" camp, how do they interpret Philippians 2 that says we need to work out our salvation with fear and trembling? 

Bread That Does Not Satisfy

This Wednesday, February 18th, is Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. I happen to love Lent! Lent is a time when we can take stock and reflect on the things in our life that we may be turning to and trying to find satisfaction and fulfillment in other than God. It is a time to do penance and fast from these things.

Often without even realizing it, we turn to "bread" that does not satisfy.  "Bread" that the world offers us. "Bread" that leaves us longing and still hungry. Our God is so good and kind that sometimes he allows us to have this worldly "bread" so we can get it out of our system and realize that we do not really want this "bread" and the only bread we really want is HIM. Jesus is the true bread that came down from heaven and the only bread that can truly satisfy the longing in our heart!

Isaiah 55:2 - Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy?

John 6:35 - [Jesus said] I am the bread of life. he who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.  

During Lent there is abundant grace available for us to come up higher and grow closer to God. It is a much quicker way to fast and be purged from earthly desires and attachments than to give into them and find out the hard way that they are not going to satisfy. Lent gives us this opportunity.

Colossians 3:1 - So if you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth, for you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ who is your life is revealed, then you also will be revealed with him in glory.

Let us take advantage of this Lenten season, being willing to be purged from worldly attachments so we can come up higher and be transformed into his glory!

The Case for Infant Baptism and Practical Tips to Help Children Encounter Christ

1 Corinthians 12:3 -" ...no one can say, 'Jesus is Lord,' except by the Holy Spirit".

This is what the bible says and yet some evangelicals I've met do not agree with infant baptism. Not making the connection? How about this? These same evangelicals do not consider their children "saved" until, on their own, they can say Jesus is Lord and ask him into their heart.  Also, they are not seen as ready for baptism until they ask Jesus in their heart. However, it is by the Holy Spirit that we can truly recognize Jesus as Lord.

Catholics, Orthodox, and some Protestant denominations believe in infant baptism. As Catholics, we believe at the moment of baptism, when the water is poured over the baby's head, they also receive the Holy Spirit. I believe it gives them an advantage that unbaptized children do not have. I would dare to even say that since Jesus lives in their heart through baptism, they will probably be more predisposed toward the things of God.

Now, I have some wonderful evangelical friends who really encourage me in my walk with the Lord. I have heard some things however by others that have grieved my heart. One woman was talking to me about her 9 year old daughter who was not "saved" yet. Another woman told me how she was talking to her older children and a couple of them mentioned how Jesus lived in their heart. Her little 3 year old son then asked her if Jesus lived in his heart to which she responded, "Not yet." In all fairness, this woman was probably right. Her son had never been baptized so Jesus probably didn't live in his heart through the Holy Spirit.

These incidences break my heart and frankly I do not understand. Someone please enlighten me!

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me." - Matthew 19:14

Also, the Jewish people would never have thought of leaving their children out of the Covenant.

Isaiah 59:21 - "And this is my covenant with them," says the Lord. "My Spirit will not leave them, and neither will these words I have given you. They will be on your lips and on the lips of your children and your children's children forever. I, the Lord, have spoken!"

The attitude of expecting children to make a reasoned decision for Christ before being baptized and before Jesus can live in their heart also makes me wonder how evangelicals view disabled children who can not make that decision and children who die before they reach the age of reason and can make that decision. My guess is they would assume that child would still go to heaven. Then why not baptize them as a baby so they have that extra advantage?!

Personally I do not think we give our children enough credit. In the time when Tom and I were away from the Catholic Church and involved in evangelical churches, we encountered more than a few people who did not think their children were capable of having a relationship with Jesus much less sit through a worship service. It made me sad that at a typical Sunday morning service, the children would be dismissed before worship began and sent off to daycare or a classroom where they could be entertained for the next hour. They did get some instruction as they heard a bible story and did a craft but I think it would have been much more beneficial for them if they had the opportunity to worship with their family.

Little children are capable of more than we give them credit for. We should not hold Jesus back from them. Maybe it is because my children were baptized as infants, and the grace of their baptism has been nurtured, but my children definitely have a spiritual sense and relationship with Jesus. When my 4 year old was only 3, she had an experience where Jesus told her not to be afraid because he was protecting her from the monsters. My 6 year old recently heard Jesus tell her that even when my husband and I were not around, she did not need to be afraid because he was always with her. My 8 year old told me that since she received her 1st Holy Communion last year, she has been growing closer to the Lord. Even my 1 year old seems to have a spiritual sense and love for Jesus. Whenever he sees a crucifix or picture of Jesus, he exclaims, "Jesus!" He also does this when we drive into the church parking lot. I believe being baptized has a lot to do with them being drawn to the Lord. The Holy Spirit in them recognizes and draws them to Jesus.

I can also remember having experiences with the Lord when I was a baby. I have memories of lying in my crib and being surrounded with the peace, love and presence of the Lord. Unfortunately, when I was a teenager, and my "reason" was fully activated, I stopped believing in him and walked away. I believe it was partly because of the grace of my baptism that I ended up coming back to him. I am very thankful that seed was planted in my heart from the time I was a baby.

Children also have amazing, God given imaginations which can help them have an amazing prayer life. I have taught my children from a young age how to pray. I think it is important for us and our children to have time set aside everyday to encounter the Lord. There are a couple ways I have done this which has proven to be very fruitful with my children. One way is to have them picture a peaceful place in their mind (an ocean, a field of flowers, a shade tree, etc.). I have them picture themselves at that place. I then have them picture Jesus there with them. I tell them to be still and listen in case Jesus wants to show them something or say something to them. The other thing I tell my kids to do when they go to prayer is, seek Jesus' face. Both of these ways have been very powerful and my children usually have very profound things to share which I then have them draw or write in a prayer journal. It might start with their imaginations but then Jesus takes off with it. They also look forward to spending time with Jesus every morning using these tools. They are gaining a love for prayer. These methods were also used with my older two girls who love the Lord dearly and have a close relationship with him.

We should never say that children are too young to have a relationship with the Lord. We also should not just be preoccupied with their salvation and them making a one time decision for Christ. What is important is that they come to know and love Jesus. The grace given at baptism helps this to happen.

The Poison of Pornograpy and the Effects it has had on my Life.

The use of pornography among men and even women is staggering! What is even more shocking is the use of pornography among Christian men! You can read more about that here.

I have personally been affected by pornography because of the loved ones in my life. I was first introduced to it when I was a little girl. A close family member would look at pornographic magazines right in front of me. Unfortunately this family member was also a workaholic and paid little attention to me. Naturally what I subconsciously concluded from that as a little girl is that men were superior to women and the only thing women had to offer of value was their bodies. This was reinforced to me when at the age of 6, I was also molested by an older boy. This sent me down a road of sexual curiosity and I would often sneak the pornographic magazines that were in my home along with my friends and cousins. It is hard to put into words how damaging this was.

At the age of 19 I discovered God's love and I gave him my life. Through his grace, I underwent several years of inner healing of these past memories. When I was 23, I got married to a man who was 21. We were so very young and also immature. Those first years of marriage were very tough and stressful. My husband would shut me out and I felt all alone. This was compounded by the fact that I got pregnant on our honeymoon and it was a very difficult and complicated pregnancy. I later found out from him that the reason he shut me out was because he had a problem with porn. Especially when he was stressed, he would turn to pornography. He also had a fear of intimacy which would cause him to turn to porn instead of me. You can read more of his story here.

My husband has worked hard to overcome his addiction. He has taken advantage of the Sacrament of confession and has allowed God's love and grace to transform him. He is a different person than the one I married. He is better able to love me and be emotionally available to me. It has taken me a while however to be able to receive his love and let him love me. All those years took a toll. I have had to work through a lot of anger but haven't had anyone to talk to about it because I didn't want to make him look bad. I also put up walls to guard my heart and got used to it being just me and Jesus.What I am now realizing is it didn't need to be up to me to guard my own heart. Jesus would have been more than capable of guarding my heart for me if I would have fully entrusted it to him. As he is calling me to a higher level of surrender and I am letting go, those walls are coming down. I am finding healing and a greater level of freedom. Jesus truly is able to redeem anything especially when darkness is brought into the light. I am very proud of my husband for sharing his struggles. I trust that God will restore the years the locusts have eaten and I look forward to what the future holds with my love!

9/11, Dreams and Second Chances

On the anniversary of 9/11 every year when I am watching the footage of the twin towers being hit by planes on TV, I am reminded of a dream I had exactly three years before in September of 1998. At the time I had the dream and until 9/11 happended in 2001, I did not realize the dream was going to be somewhat literal. I even prayed about and came up with a symbolic interpretation. 

Around the same time I had the dream, the Lord kept warning me that some storms were coming that would effect our nation. He impressed on me that even though he wasn't going to cause the storms, he was going to use these storms for his purposes and for good. Through them some people would turn to him and come to know him. Finally I had the following dream that gave a little more detail into the nature of one of the storms that was about to hit.

Dream - I was in a room filled with other people and we were socializing. The room was at the very top of a skyscraper. A big storm was coming but the people were not too concerned. I looked out the window and I saw a huge demon coming across the sky in the form of a big fire ball and it was headed right for the skyscraper. I knew I needed to get out of the path of this storm so I got my family out of the skyscraper, put them in the car and we drove away to get out of the way of this storm.

Dolly the sheep

The way I interpreted the dream at the time, which I believe is still relevant in a spiritual sense, was that the skyscraper represented man's own efforts to become like God and get close to God without God, much like the people did with the Tower of Babel. In the Church it is using forms of religion instead of a real relationship with Jesus and relying on his grace and mercy. In the world it is through technology and setting ourselves up as gods by the things we are able to create. I also felt at the time that the Lord showed me it was very important that things be founded on the solid rock of Jesus because everything was going to be shaken and whatever was not founded on him would not be able to stand.

embryonic stem sell research

When 9/11 happened in 2001, it was very sobering to realize that the Lord was warning me of something that was actually going to happen and maybe I could have helped lessen the severity of it if I had only prayed more. I am very grateful for his love and mercy and for second chances! Today I pray for all those people who were directly affected by this tragic event!

Gearing Up!

I can't believe the summer is almost over. I have been gearing up for the new school year; trying to get organized, ordering curriculum and hoping this will be a better year than last year. Last school year felt like juggling most of the time except I did not feel I did a very good job at it. Homeschooling multiple age children, trying to keep up with the housework and also taking care of a baby or toddler requires being able to multi-task big time, which I am not very good at.

Recently I was praying about this and an image came to my mind of people that are able to jump rope over multiple ropes while also doing flips and turning around. The Lord encouraged and showed me that to be able to do that takes a lot of patience, perseverance, and practice. Then he compared it to me as a homeschooling, stay-at-home mom (guess I wasn't imagining when I thought my life felt like that). I believe he was telling me I shouldn't beat myself up if I am not in that place yet and I keep tripping over the ropes. If I keep persevering and keep leaning back and resting in his grace in everything I do, he will get me to the place where I am able to handle everything that comes up in a day with grace and ease.

A few months back, the Lord really impressed upon me that my most important goal everyday needs to be to encounter him and help my children encounter him. I am trying to plan my school year and curriculum accordingly. There are a lot of good curriculums out there and it would be easy to get bogged down, wanting to do multiple things but if I remember that our main goal is to encounter him, then I feel I need to keep it simple. I am mainly going to stick with CHC (Catholic Heritage Curricula). I love the way it weaves in the faith with the lessons. I also like that their lessons are not too rigorous. The only subjects that I am not going to use CHC for is Math. Clare will be in 3rd grade and uses a program called Making Math Meaningful which is working really well for her. Lily is more of a kinesthetic learner and I am going to try Life of Fred with her. She is very bright and has a very creative mind but she wasn't really ready to sit and do most Kindergarten work last year so we are going to try again this year. She missed the cutoff by one month for just entering into Kindergarten this year anyway so I think we are fine. Sarah who is four is going to be working on the same material as Lily so that should make things easy. Hopefully Isaac who is 18 months will be content to play with toys I have stashed away while his sisters do school. Here's hoping :)

We usually start each school day off with a decade of the rosary, focusing on the life of Jesus one mystery at a time. We then read from the bible, preferably the gospel for the day and then each of the kids takes about five minutes to go off on their own and seek Jesus. I then have them write or draw in their prayer journals. My eighteen year old daughter will not have school on Fridays this year so she has suggested that we go to mass every Friday. This might be a challenge getting the little ones out of the house and at church by 9am but we'll give it a try. Another way children can encounter the Lord is through fun activities and creating memories. So, we will again take one day a week to either celebrate a feast day with our friends from our Eucharistic Heart group, go on a field trip or work on enrichment activities and learning games.

This is my plan. We'll see how it goes. If we all stay healthy (unlike last year as we caught EVERY illness that was going around) it could be a productive year. If it doe not go as I plan, I need to remember that God's grace is sufficient! He has always been faithful to make up for where I am lacking. Just like the boy who gave his little lunch of a few loaves of bread and fish and had it multiplied, I need to remember that if I give Jesus what little I have, he will multiply it as well.

* I am not being paid to advertise the curriculum I recommended.

How much is enough?

Once I was at a meeting with a group of church leaders. One woman there was the mother of a teenage daughter. She was lamenting how some of her daughter's friends had gone astray and she was wondering how we could keep our own children from going astray. One of the men spoke up and said, "We just need to pray continuously for them!". This didn't sit well with me. Afterall, how much prayer would be enough? Also, that seems to put it all on us. It also makes God out to be an ogre who witholds his mercy and grace from his children.

The truth is, God never withholds his mercy and grace.  

Luke 11:11-13 - What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent;  or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”  

We just need to tap into and get in touch with God's heart and his grace. When I pray for my children and others, I try to join my heart with God's heart for them and get in touch with what he already wants to do. I then place them in God's hand and entrust them to him without taking them back. Then I stand back and watch in amazement as God works and makes up for where I am lacking. This also helps make intercession a form of contemplation where I am able to encounter him.

I am also a homeschooling mom. Some days can get a little overwhelming. There is always more that you feel like you could be teaching your children and there is always more housework and laundry that could be done.

The Lord has really impressed on my heart that my main goal everyday needs to be to encounter him and help my children encounter him. Encountering him does not mean we say some prayers and memorize some scripture verses. Encountering him means we seek his face, meditate on his love and place ourselves in his presence. Instead of having my children memorize scripture I teach them the stories of Jesus' life so they get to know him and love him.

As a homeschooling, stay-at-home mom, I do not always get through every subject. My house is often messy and I do not always get through all the laundry, but I can have peace at the end of the day knowing I did the most important thing...I encountered Christ and helped my children encounter him as well.

Peace! I've got this!

I often get asked the question, "How did your older girls turn out so well?" My older girls who are 17 and almost 20 love the Lord with all their heart and are striving to follow him. I do not have an easy answer. My main prayer has always been, "Lord, make up for where I am lacking." He has been very faithful in doing just that! Which is good because I am very much aware of my own limitations. I think the most important thing to keep in mind is taken from Psalm 127 - "Unless the Lord builds the house, the laborers labor in vain." As parents, we can do all the right things but if we are not leaning back in the Lord in everything we do, our efforts are in vain.

I did not homeschool my older girls all the way through high school. I only homeschooled them through 2nd and 5th grade and then sent them to public school. We did not pray every night as a family. I did not do scripture memory with them. I also let them watch more TV then I'd like to admit.

It is easy to lose hope of our children turning out well as we are surrounded by so much sinfulness in the world and then pile on top of that the awareness of our own inadequacies but we need to trust that God is in control. The most important thing we can do for our children is lean back in Christ, surrender and let him do the rest. Recently I was in prayer and I saw a vision of this icon of Jesus making a peace sign with one hand and holding the world with the other. It was as if Jesus was saying, "Peace, I've got this!"

Time to Fly

I don't know if anyone else has unknowingly tried to drive a car with the parking brake on but when that happens, your wheels spin and spin but as much as you are pushing down on the gas pedal, the car will not go very fast or far, especially if you are trying to drive uphill. Lately this has been feeling like my day to day life. I don't know if anyone else can relate with this but sometimes I find myself getting bogged down and overwhelmed by life. It feels like I am working hard but not getting anywhere. To be honest I have been in that season for a while and have had to take a  step back, pray about and reevaluate my life and priorities. I figured I must be doing something wrong because Jesus says that "his yoke is easy and his burden is light (Matthew 11:30)."

It was hard at first to figure out what I was doing wrong. It was easier to figure out why I would feel overwhelmed in the early days of walking with the Lord. When I first started following the Lord twenty some years ago, I was like a run away train, running ahead of the Lord and doing, doing, doing. Through life circumstances, physical problems, and outright being rebuked trying to do ministry, the Lord taught me to first learn to "be", rest in him and allow him to transform me. Over the years I have made great strides resting in him, making my prayer life a priority, leaning back in him for everything I do and trying to pray without ceasing.

What I have discovered is that my priorities and ways of thinking needed to be realigned yet again. The Lord needed to push me out of the nest so to speak. I had learned to be still and rest in him but I had become too comfortable. One day he showed me a vision of a monarch butterfly in chains. Well, it is an illusion to think you can keep a butterfly chained down. The butterfly could easily slip through the chains if it wanted to. I realized I was like that butterfly. The Lord had reigned me in to teach me a few things. I had learned to be still and allow the Lord to transform me. Now he was calling me to fly and I had the freedom to fly but I was focusing on my circumstances and things I interpreted as "chains" that were preventing me from flying. Actually what I discovered is that the "chains" were just a matter of perception.

I began to realize that my priorities and my focus was off. As a housewife and mom that also home schools, I thought I was doing the responsible thing to try and finish all the household chores, laundry, meal planning and everything else that goes along with managing a household before trying to serve others outside my home. The problem is, especially as a housewife and mother of six children, there is always more that can be done. The house is never fully clean and organized. There is always more laundry that can be done and children that require attention. As long as the kids are little, there will always be more work that needs to be done. Also by focusing on everything that "needed" to be done around the house, I wasn't even having the right attitude of serving my husband and children. Therefore, if my 3 year old got out of bed for the tenth time at night, I was short tempered because she was interfering with "my" time.

I am realizing that just like a bird needs two wings to fly (thanks Glenn for using this analogy), we need a balance between "being" and "doing" in order that we can fly. Not only that, but our "being" needs to be meaningful, centered on God and our "doing" needs to be restful, out of a place of rest. Every morning now when I start my day with prayer, I ask the Lord to show me if there is somebody I need to serve this day. I have been trying to make more of an effort to recognize the needs of those around me and people I come in contact with. Some days it isn't anyone outside my home he ends up wanting me to serve but he has been calling me to serve my husband and children sacrificially. I realized that by not having the attitude of serving then the things I was doing were becoming more of a burden and felt like work. The irony is, I thought I was first resting before doing but because I didn't have an attitude of service in the things I was doing, it became burdensome. Take the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). The lesson of the story is not that we should all just do nothing but sit at the feet of Jesus and receive. Nothing would ever get done. The lesson is that we start there with an attitude of surrender and then the things we do should be out of an attitude of service.

I also realized that some of the things I was praying for were off. I was praying for strength and grace to do all the things I "needed" to do. I am now realizing that if there is something we think we need, what little we have, we should first give it away. It is in giving that we receive. If we are in need of strength, we should give what little strength we have away. If we are in need of joy, let's give joy away. If we are in need of peace, let's give peace away. If we are in need of money, let's give money away. I think about the parable of the talents (Matt. 25:14-30). When we hoard, even the little we have, it shows a lack of true faith, and the things we have rot and turn to dust. It is a rather horrid thing. Who in their right mind is going to want to give someone more if they are just going to hoard it for themselves. However when we give of ourselves and our possessions, we get back more than we ever could have imagined!!! We can not outdo God!  I think I might be onto something and this might be the key to the perfect joy that St. Francis of Assisi discovered!

"Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you (Matt. 6:33)."

A Grace-filled Life

As I have dealt with health problems over the years and difficult, complicated pregnancies, one thing the Lord has had to keep reminding me is that his grace is sufficient for me. He even told me once that the only difference between me and someone without these issues is I just need to rely on more of his grace.

This has made me wonder how to best do that. Often I have felt inadequate and like I must be doing something wrong because I often have not felt I had the strength and ability to do all the things I believed I needed to do. In my mind grace equaled strength.

I have come to realize however that grace does not always look the way I think it should look. Sometimes grace comes in the form of my children getting along and playing nicely with each other so I can lie down and rest. Sometimes grace comes in the form of a friend helping me with something I am not able to do by myself.

There have been times when I have been down on myself, feeling like I should be doing more with my children and I haven't done enough to teach them about the Faith. Grace in that situation is that my children are still passionate about following Christ even though I was often lacking. I am actually getting teary-eyed as I am writing this, thinking about how blessed I am. My oldest daughter is in college and I am so proud of her! Not only is she doing well academically and being responsible living on her own, but she has gotten involved in the Catholic campus ministry at UCF and plans to attend the March for Life in January. My 16 year old daughter, who still lives at home is experiencing a call to become a religious sister and desires to join a certain order when she turns 21. The only credit I can take for any of this is that I have always surrendered them over to the heart of Jesus. When they were little, there were often days I was too weak to get off the couch. I could barely take care of their basic needs and I let them watch cartoons to keep them out of trouble. Since I didn't have the strength at the time to do the things I thought needed to be done, I didn't think I was tapping into God's grace but now I realize his grace is that he has always made up for my own weaknesses and where I have been lacking.

God's grace truly is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me (2 Cor.12:9).