No greater love... (A Eucharistic Miracle story)

Today is the Solemnity of the Body and Blood of Christ (Corpus Christi) in the Catholic Church.  I am reminded of something I got to experience a little over twenty years ago. When I was in college, I had the privilege of witnessing a Eucharistic miracle. The semester had just started and it was around the second week of September, in 1991. I was on my way to class and my roommate was passing me in the middle of campus as she was coming back from class. She asked me if I would like to go see a Eucharistic miracle.  I said, "Sure!"  She told me that she and a friend would pick me up when I got out of class. 

I really didn't know at that time what I was saying yes to, but I was always up for an adventure and I did not have anything else going on. Like she said, they picked me up right after class and there was one other girl that my roommate knew that was in the car as well. I thought we were going to go see a Eucharistic miracle that was on public display but as we were driving, I found out the story.

It turns out that at a parish about an hour away, the main pastor of the church was telling the first communion children and others that the Eucharist was just a symbol and Jesus wasn't really present. One day the associate pastor was taking communion to an elderly woman at a nursing home.  He placed the consecrated host on her lip but she was not able to consume it.  The priest did what he was taught to do in a situation like that and he wrapped it up in a napkin. When he got back to the parish, he placed it in water for it to dissolve.  Normally the host would have dissolved in a couple of days but in this case, it did not dissolve. Instead it turned into a round ball that looked like flesh. The pastor told him that he should throw it out.  Amazingly not long before this happened an old tabernacle was being thrown out and the associate pastor felt he needed to keep it so he had put it in his living quarters. This old tabernacle provided a place for him to put the cup of water with what appeared to be Jesus' flesh. 

So, naturally my jaw dropped as I was being told this story. My roommate's friend who was driving us also shared that he had a sense that we would be "smuggling" the miracle back to campus.  The reasonable person I was, tried to talk some sense into my friends.  I warned them that we needed to test this and we shouldn't automatically buy into it. I was a little skeptical to say the least.

After about an hour in the car, we finally arrived at the church.  The associate pastor greeted us outside.  He thanked us for coming and then he led us into his living quarters.  He began telling us the whole story and then told us he did not know what he was going to do because the pastor wanted him to throw it out. He asked us if we would like to see it.  Of course we said, "Yes!"  He brought it out of the tabernacle very reverently and immediately, we all dropped to our knees.  The presence of the Lord in that room was so strong and we couldn't help but praise him and sing.  As we were praying, a couple of us that had our eyes open, witnessed this "ball of flesh" turn red and begin to pulsate. When we were done praying, it went back to being a grayish white color with frayed edges.  He then put it back in the tabernacle and proceeded to talk to us.  He again said he didn't know what he was going to do and that is when we offered to take it back to the monastery on campus. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  My heart was pounding so hard.  I was so nervous!  That is exactly what we ended up doing however and we held it in the car as we drove an hour back to campus.  The whole way back was surreal and the presence of the Lord was so powerful. We were singing and praying the whole way back. Again as we were praying, it was turning red and seemed to be pulsating. There were also lots of prophetic words coming to us.  One had to do with the scripture passage from 1 Timothy 4:12 - "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young..." We had a sense that we might not be received real well when we got back to campus.

When we got back to campus it was already dark.  We knocked on the monastery door and one of the friars answered.  We told him what we had and he asked, "What would you be doing with it?!" We then asked for another friar who personally knew the associate pastor of the church we came from.  He then came out, heard our story and seemed to believe.  He then told us he would keep it safe and contact his superior to see what should be done.  We felt relieved that it was out of our hands.

The whole next week was surreal.  Everywhere we went it seemed people would randomly talk about the Eucharist.  One example was when I was having a conversation with a girl about hand lotion and then she randomly said she always checks her hands after receiving communion because every little piece is fully Jesus. It seemed the Lord was confirming to us that this really was a miracle.

After a week went by, I approached the president of the university. I asked him what was going on with the miracle.  He told me it had started to dissolve and the priest we had met with at the monastery was asked to consume it. Once I heard this, I had a peace come over me.  I felt for some reason the Lord just had the few of us witness this. That experience definitely gave me a deeper understanding and devotion to the true presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. It is only within the last couple years however that I have really begun to understand the infinite level of intimacy and love offered to us by receiving his body and blood. The real miracle is that at every mass the bread becomes Jesus' body and blood and we get to receive him into our bodies and souls.  The real challenge when we receive him, however, is to allow him to enter all the inner chambers of our heart.

Better to have Loved and Lost...

I really have it on my heart to write about what I have learned through my miscarriage.  Even though about 50 percent of women experience miscarriage, I am finding that it is almost taboo to talk about.  The reason might be different for different people.  For some it may just be too painful to talk about and others think it is too personal of a topic. Still another reason that I am finding out about is a feeling of shame. Some women actually feel there is something wrong with them that they were not able to carry a healthy baby to term. One woman even recently shared with me that a neighbor told her it was probably for the best because she had enough kids. If it will help others, I am willing to talk about my experience and what I have learned from it.  

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I had a real sense of just how sacred this little life was.  When I lost the baby, I felt like it was the Lord showing me that even though this life was short, it was no less important. Part of the pain of the miscarriage was that I didn't see it coming.  The thought didn't even enter my mind.  Thinking about it however, I am glad the Lord didn't show me because I may not have bonded with my child.  I have also wondered what I would have done if the Lord had told me even before I conceived, "I would like you to conceive a baby but this baby will only live 9 short weeks and then I will bring him to heaven."  I believe I still would have said yes. Whether a life lives only a few short weeks in the womb or 100 years on this earth, it is still sacred and a precious gift. Bringing a new life into the world that will go on to live into eternity is something to be proud of. I can honestly say at this point that I feel as though I have gained something instead of lost.

I will admit that I grieved for about a week but at the same time the Lord was whispering sweet nothings in my ear and it made it hard to be sad.  One thing that was painful for me to think about was the possibility of the baby being a boy because I believe God has promised me a boy.  While in prayer, I felt like the Lord said, "Thank you for giving me your first son."  When I heard those words however, I had peace.  Heck, how can you be upset when Jesus thanks you for something?! 

Another thing that was on my mind after I had my miscarriage is something the Lord revealed to me regarding aborted babies.  I felt like he showed me that one of the tragedies behind abortion is that these babies were not given the opportunity to sacrifice for others and grow in love.  Even Jesus said, in regards to Judas committing suicide is, it would have been better if he hadn't been born (Matt.26:24).  This indicates to me that it is not a good thing not to ever be born.  I was praying about this and believe the Lord showed me something pretty profound.  I felt like he showed me that miscarried babies like mine, benefit from our love and willingness to sacrifice for them and they carry that grace up to heaven with them.  We felt led to name our son, Benjamin. Benjamin in the bible was the beloved youngest son of Jacob.  It comforts me to think of my Benjamin almost with a glowing, neon sign on him that says CHERISHED! All the angels are probably gawking at him saying, "Wow, he was really loved!!!" Even though Benjamin didn't get to sacrifice and grow in love, he benefited from our love and sacrifice for him.

One thing that has really been on my heart lately--and that I have been praying about--is the plight of aborted babies.  It makes me sad to think they didn't have parents that were able to love them and willing to sacrifice for them.  I have been asking the Lord if there is anything I could do to help them have the same glory as our Benjamin.  Who knows, maybe through this the Lord is stirring up a calling in me.  For now at least, it is leading me to intercede on their behalf.

Purif-eye-ing

NASA photo of the Helix Nebula
taken by the Hubble Space
Telescope has been labeled the 'Eye of God'

The quickest way to be purified by the Lord is to have him look straight at you and into your heart. Several years ago I had a vision of the Lord's eyes.  They were periwinkle blue and see through like glass.  They were beautiful beyond description and when he looked at me they seemed to pierce right through me and my heart was laid bare. I asked him how to back up my experience with scripture because the only scripture I knew of that described his eyes was from Revelation 1:14 - "His eyes were like blazing fire." I felt like he asked, "Can't you just take things at face value?" but then he answered my question and asked, "What is the hottest part of the flame?" I then realized that the hottest part of the flame was the bottom of the flame which is periwinkle blue. 

The next several weeks proved rather challenging and were bittersweet as memories from my past started coming to the surface and the Lord came into those memories with his purifying work. In much the same way as gold is purified in the fire, the dross in my heart came to the surface and needed to be skimmed off. This is not necessarily a fun process but necessary to become more like Jesus and become brighter so his glory can shine through us. I hope some day I will get to the point where people can look in my eyes and see the love of Christ looking back at them.

2 Chronicles16:9 - "For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."

Sweet Nothings

When I was a little girl we lived out in the country and there were lots of little purple flowers called clover blossoms that would grow in the field.  Somehow I discovered that if you pulled off a petal and sucked on it,  it contained sweet nector. I don't know if many people would  know that about this unassuming flower.  In the same way, when we join our sufferings to Christ's sufferings they become so sweet. Somehow when we join our sufferings to Christ, he takes them and turns them into something beautiful.  He has a way of turning our sorrow into joy.

"The holy sufferings of Jesus is a sea of sorrows, but it is also a sea of love.  Ask the Lord to teach you to fish in this sea.  Immerse yourself in it, and , no matter how deeply you go, you will never reach the bottom.  Allow yourself to be penetrated with love and sorrow. In this way you will make the sufferings of the gentle Jesus your own. Fish for the  pearls of the virtues of Jesus. This holy fishing is done without words." - St. Paul of the Cross

The Power of One

One of my favorite bible passages is from Matthew 11:28  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." 

The last 15 years or so, the Lord has been teaching me to rest in him and rely on his grace and strength for everything I do. I have come a long way but I still find myself getting stressed and overwhelmed instead of enjoying life and walking in joy. There are  the bills, the laundry, the daily meals that need to be prepared, and everything that goes into being a wife and the mother of 5 children.  I have prayed about this and have concluded that I must be doing something wrong if I still get overwhelmed and burdened down.  Jesus' prayer to his Father came to me one day when I was praying about it:

John 17:10-12 - All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name—the name you gave me—so that they may be one as we are one.

I believe this scripture holds the key. Before the sin of Adam, our mind, body and spirit acted as one.  We were fully integrated and there wasn't a conflict between what our will wanted to do and what we actually did.  It was a lot easier to worship God through everything we did.  Now, after the Fall, it is harder.  Paul says in Romans 7:15 - "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  The good news however is that Jesus paid the price through his death on the cross, not just so we can go to heaven someday but so we can be fully integrated and transformed into Christ's image. So that we can have life to the fullest! In John 17, Jesus says that he will remain no longer in the world.  It was important that he go to the Father so that the Holy Spirit could be released to all believers, not just so we can have a warm fuzzy, spiritual experience, but so we can have the power to be transformed.  He desires us to be one as he and the Father are one. He desires us to be set apart and holy. 

Still it doesn't come naturally. We need to discipline ourselves and be willing to take up our cross. One thing that is helping me to be mindful of Christ all day long and worship him in everything I do is committing to morning and evening prayer (Liturgy of the Hours) and repeating something like the "Jesus Prayer" all day long. These things are proving to be transformative and helping to line up my mind, body and spirit in accordance with God's will. I still have a ways to go but I look forward to the day when I radiate joy because I am able to see Christ in every detail of my life!

A person is a person, no matter how small

I have been thinking lately about the beauty and sacredness of life.  Especially human life, made in the image and likeness of God. I have been contemplating the beginnings of human life. None of us would even be here if God did not love us into existence! We start out the size of a poppy seed and although we are that small, God breathes his life into us.  Since he is so big and we are so small and fragile, he has to be ever so gentle. I imagine it would be the way a gentle breeze carries a dandelion without the petals falling off. This human life, once it is started will also go on to live into eternity.

Life is such a precious gift and it is such a privilege to be able to help bring about new life. The older I have gotten, the more I have realized my fertility is a gift and it will run out. I also have friends who are not able to have children. Tom and I have always tried to be sensitive in prayer to how many children the Lord is calling us to have and the timing that they should be conceived.  Society thinks this is foolish and even irresponsible. There are even some Christians that think it is legalistic. I am not a very disciplined person, and actually pretty weak. I also am not naturally virtuous. The only thing I can claim is that I have always tried to be obedient to God in every area of my life and even that is only by his grace.

Update: When I wrote this post I was actually pregnant.  I recently miscarried at 9 weeks. That gentle breeze carried our baby up to Heaven.  From the start of this pregnancy I had a real sense of the sacredness of this life.  I believe it was the Lord showing me the importance of every life, no matter how short. The reason Tom and I have been open to new life has always been primarily out of obedience to the Lord because I have very hard pregnancies. My children are a gift from him but they also ultimately belong to him and it is up to him to do with them as he sees best. After my miscarriage I was meditating on Mary's yes.  I'm sure when she said yes, her dreams for her son did not involve him being crucified. The same day I read this quote from a book called "Having a Mary Spirit" by Joanna Weaver:  "...saying yes to God brings blessing, but it can also bring pain.  That's why we need a submitted heart that keeps on believing...even when it hurts."

Butterfly Kisses

Most of the time when I am in prayer it is spent in meditation, contemplation and intercession.  I rarely ask the Lord questions but I find when I do I almost always receive an answer.  I don't know why but I often do not expect an answer and I don't always recognize the revelation I receive as a direct response to my question. That happened to me a few weeks ago.

Before I tell you what my question was, let me clarify that I am 110% pro-life.  I see it as a grave evil and a spiritual battle.  I believe that Satan, through the act of abortion would like to kill as many of these innocent lives as he can because nothing reflects God better than an innocent baby made in his image and likeness. I believe these babies therefore are little martyrs that go to heaven. My heart in the matter has always been very grievous, especially for the mother.  I often feel led to intercede for these women who are damaging themselves psychologically and spiritually through such an unnatural act as to kill their own child. Not to mention that they are rejecting such a precious gift. I know women who have had abortions and at the time they did not fully realize what they were doing but later deeply regretted it and said it was the worst decision they had ever made.  Fortunately, the women I know have taken it to the cross and have received God's mercy.  There are other women however that will try to escape the pain of what they have done by escaping through drug and alcohol use and all around continuing to make unhealthy decisions.  There are always repercussions.

So, here was my question:  I told the Lord that I knew abortion was intrinsically wrong but if the babies go straight to heaven, give me understanding on how the babies suffer and how it would have been better for them to live here on  earth. Ultimately I knew it would be better but I felt I needed understanding as to how. After all, some might have decided to reject God in this life. I might have a strange way of thinking but if people are honest some might admit they have had the same question.

A few weeks later, I had a vision that I did not see as an answer to my question until recently.  It was a vision of Mary unlike any statue or picture I have ever seen of her.  In the vision she was very youthful, smiling and wearing a midnight blue cloak.  Her hair was flowing under her veil and the cloak had twinkling stars all over it. I then watched as the twinkling stars would come off her cloak and form into butterflies which were the same color midnight blue as her cloak and trimmed in black.  Mary was kneeling down, playing with the butterflies, letting them land on her finger and taking great delight in them. I also had the understanding that I was one of those butterflies.

I didn't fully know what the vision meant until I was at a conference with Dr. Peter Kreeft. His morning talk was entitled "Why Pro-Life?" During his talk he happened to mention Our Lady of Guadalupe and how she is the patroness of the Americas and we should ask for her intercession to end abortion.  He then mentioned how in the picture of her, she is standing on the moon just like the woman in the book of Revelation and the woman in Genesis that crushes the head of Satan. The moon for the Aztecs was the god of night. Mary standing on the moon shows that her obedience to God conqueres darkness. This is a spiritual battle and she is the one to intercede to end abortion.  He then gave a history of Our Lady of Guadalupe.  Because of her appearance to Juan Diego and the miraculous image that appeared on his cloak, millions of Aztec Indians converted to Christianity. The Aztec Indians were known for sacrificing their babies to the pagan gods and millions were sacrificed.  

It then hit me that the Lord was answering my question about abortion when he gave me that image of Mary and the image I had of her was actually Our Lady of Guadalupe.  Just like Our Lady of Guadalupe she had a blue cloak with stars all over it.  I then realized that the real tragedy behind these little lives being cut short through the act of abortion is they are not given the opportunity like we have, to be transformed like butterflies into the image of Christ by sharing in his life, suffering, death and resurrection. It also reminded me of a quote by St. Padre Pio, "The angels are jealous of us because they cannot suffer" and thus join in Christ's sufferings for the Church and one another. We shouldn't take for granted that we have the opportunity to grow in love and express our love for others through sacrifice. "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends" - John 15:13.

Let us call upon Our Lady of Guadalupe to intercede for the lives of the unborn that they will be given the opportunity to live and grow in the knowledge of God! Let us also pray that we may be transformed by the trials and tribulations of this life into beautiful butterflies. Our Lady takes great delight in a soul that is fully committed to Christ and is willing to be transformed into his image!