Dying to Live

“At times, to choose the will of God over our own is excruciating. We love our flesh and it hurts to have its desires crucified! Never misunderstand pain as permission to forego the will of God.” - Beth Moore.  

I could not have said it better myself! I can definitely relate to that quote these days as I am currently almost 10 weeks pregnant. I am in the thick of all day long morning sickness that will most likely last for 20 weeks, fatigue, congestion, and moodiness. Next trimester I will probably look forward to migraines and pubic symphysis pain and the third trimester, gestational diabetes, constant contractions, preterm labor and bed rest. After the baby is born it will most likely send me into a flare-up with my connective tissue disorder which will cause me to have debilitating joint pain and muscle weakness for 9 months to a year.  I've been thinking lately that people would be right to think I am insane to put myself and my family through a 7th pregnancy. It really was not a very logical decision especially as my oldest daughter is getting ready to go to college in the fall and we are still wondering where all the funds are going to come from. 

I went to Eucharistic adoration last Friday and the Lord helped me have a better attitude. I felt like he told me that yes, I am insane...insanely in love with him! That was a good reminder for me and a very good reason to make the choices I have made. Tom and I really believed the Lord wanted us to have another child and that is the reason we were open and conceived again.  We did not choose this because we selfishly "needed" another child. Don't get me wrong. Human life is precious and sacred and we are very blessed. I just do not have the suffering part of it down yet.

People often say that God will not give us more than we can handle. I think they get that from the scripture that says, "God will not test us beyond our strength." 1 Cor. 10:13  I see this as two separate things. God gives me more than I can handle all the time but isn't that the point. We are supposed to let go, surrender, and learn to find all our strength in him. We need to come to the place where we realize that we can do NOTHING without him. I used to pray for healing and that the Lord would take this condition away from me.  You know what he said to me? "My grace is sufficient for you."

It is ironic. When I was in college, I was discerning the religious life (becoming a nun). I think one reason I decided not to go that route is because I was afraid of losing myself and my identity. By choosing the beautiful path of marriage and family, that is still happening to me. I think however that that is what is supposed to happen. We are supposed to lose ourselves.  We are supposed to lose our lives! It is no longer supposed to be us who lives, but Christ who lives in us (Matt. 16:25). Once I have this baby, I am pretty sure there isn't going to be anything left of ME. I think that might be the point though and I think that might be when the fruit of joy comes in. If there is nothing left of us and all that is left is Christ, wouldn't that ultimately bring complete joy and freedom?!

Sometimes the Lord takes me on adventures. Not because I am anything special but probably because I am able to open up my imagination to him in that way. He has taken me on a hot air balloon ride to China where we talked to an elderly lady who had a lot of wisdom, we have stood on top of a mountain overlooking a river valley at a National park and most recently we watched people skiing in the Alps. One thing I believe the Lord keeps saying to me as he takes me on these adventures is, "Do not feel bad if you do not get to experience everything this world has to offer. What I have prepared for you is greater than ALL this!"

So, I will look forward to losing myself in the hope of gaining more of Christ and I look forward to the day when my joy will be complete!

Reveal - ation

Some might wonder why I am so open about the revelation I receive from the Lord.  After all, didn't Mary ponder all things in her heart?! St. Therese of Lisiuex even said that revealing certain revelation can lessen the fragrance of it. I agree with having the same attitude as Our Lady and St. Therese. I think it is important to initially ponder revelation in our heart. When the Lord gives us revelation, we need to first let it germinate and grow deep roots in our own heart before we share it with others. There are also certain revelations that reflect our intimacy with the Lord that probably should not be shared. Mary pondered all things in her heart but I do not think she permanently kept those things there. Just look at the Magnificat, a powerful, prophetic utterance! There are also Gospel accounts that we might not have if Mary didn't share what she experienced. However, if we let revelation from the Lord germinate first in our own hearts then we can give people a piece of the plant without giving them the whole plant.

There was a time I was insecure about the revelation I would receive, especially when I would see things others did not see. One such incident involved a girl who was on the worship team at a church I attended.  She was a very likable person and had a lot of friends. However I discerned that she was involved in witchcraft along with some other things. I brought some lesser offenses to the pastor concerning her in order to test the water. Even these lesser offenses were not received so I knew the greater ones definitely would not be. Since the pastor was not willing to do anything about it, I had to take matters into my own hands. I told this girl I could not have a relationship with her outside church unless she got the help she needed. The next couple years, she made my life a living hell! She turned people against me and I'm pretty sure she was cursing  and casting spells on me and my family. I wanted so bad to leave that church but the Lord would not release me.  He was calling me to stay and face it. It felt like I was face to face with a big dragon that was breathing fire in my face and I had to stay and take it.  Finally, that pastor left and we got a new one.  I went to him and told him everything. He believed me, confronted her and made her leave unless she was willing to change. I was relieved to say the least!

After that incident, I just wanted to wash my hands of anything supernatural. I began praying for a nice leisurely life. A life like my sister and her family had. They would go boating and camping every weekend and didn't seem to have a care in the world. I told the Lord I wanted that kind of life and just wanted to be "normal". Well, the Lord honored my request and for about 4 or 5 years he left me alone. I hardly had any revelation at all. I didn't have any dreams or visions and I didn't hear the Lord speaking to me hardly at all. I was absolutely miserable!!! The worst thing about those years is that passion for the Lord was also gone. I kept praying for it to come back not realizing that the lack of passion was also an answer to my prayer. It was so bad that I felt like Jesus could have appeared right in front of me  and I would not have been moved. It was a horrible place to be! I finally realized that this was not the life I wanted and I began to repent for ever asking for a nice, normal, leisurely life. Through the Lord's infinite mercy, he began to restore back the passion in my heart and eventually I began to receive revelation again.

I am forever grateful for the Lord's mercy and that he restored me. I never want to go back to the place I once was. I am very careful now to keep up with my prayer life and my relationship with the Lord. Almost every time I receive communion now I get teary eyed because I realize the level of intimacy that is available to us through the Eucharist. I am so grateful for all his gifts and especially for the gift of tears. I realize that it is  a gift to even be moved by him.

It is amazing to me how the Lord can bring good out of any situation. It is through my experience that I was able to realize that the world does not have anything better to offer. People are miserable if they do not have the Lord. They might appear happy on the outside but on the inside they are lost. People however are not interested in a god that is distant and just a judge in the sky with a list of does and don't.  People want the real deal! They are interested in a Living God. A God that cares about them and they can have a relationship with. Here, especially in the west, Christians might be afraid to admit if they hear from the Lord because they are afraid of appearing "crazy".  However, that is what sets our God apart from other "gods"!  Psalm 135:15-17 says - "The idols of the nations are silver and gold, made by the hands of men.  They have mouths, but cannot speak, eyes, but they cannot see; they have ears, but cannot hear, nor is there breath in their mouths." We are called to have a relationship with God through his son, Jesus Christ. A relationship involves two way communication. People are longing and hungering for that kind of relationship! Our God is a Living God that longs to speak to us and have a relationship with us. This, my friends is why I am not shy about sharing revelation. 

No greater love... (A Eucharistic Miracle story)

Today is the Solemnity of the Body and Blood of Christ (Corpus Christi) in the Catholic Church.  I am reminded of something I got to experience a little over twenty years ago. When I was in college, I had the privilege of witnessing a Eucharistic miracle. The semester had just started and it was around the second week of September, in 1991. I was on my way to class and my roommate was passing me in the middle of campus as she was coming back from class. She asked me if I would like to go see a Eucharistic miracle.  I said, "Sure!"  She told me that she and a friend would pick me up when I got out of class. 

I really didn't know at that time what I was saying yes to, but I was always up for an adventure and I did not have anything else going on. Like she said, they picked me up right after class and there was one other girl that my roommate knew that was in the car as well. I thought we were going to go see a Eucharistic miracle that was on public display but as we were driving, I found out the story.

It turns out that at a parish about an hour away, the main pastor of the church was telling the first communion children and others that the Eucharist was just a symbol and Jesus wasn't really present. One day the associate pastor was taking communion to an elderly woman at a nursing home.  He placed the consecrated host on her lip but she was not able to consume it.  The priest did what he was taught to do in a situation like that and he wrapped it up in a napkin. When he got back to the parish, he placed it in water for it to dissolve.  Normally the host would have dissolved in a couple of days but in this case, it did not dissolve. Instead it turned into a round ball that looked like flesh. The pastor told him that he should throw it out.  Amazingly not long before this happened an old tabernacle was being thrown out and the associate pastor felt he needed to keep it so he had put it in his living quarters. This old tabernacle provided a place for him to put the cup of water with what appeared to be Jesus' flesh. 

So, naturally my jaw dropped as I was being told this story. My roommate's friend who was driving us also shared that he had a sense that we would be "smuggling" the miracle back to campus.  The reasonable person I was, tried to talk some sense into my friends.  I warned them that we needed to test this and we shouldn't automatically buy into it. I was a little skeptical to say the least.

After about an hour in the car, we finally arrived at the church.  The associate pastor greeted us outside.  He thanked us for coming and then he led us into his living quarters.  He began telling us the whole story and then told us he did not know what he was going to do because the pastor wanted him to throw it out. He asked us if we would like to see it.  Of course we said, "Yes!"  He brought it out of the tabernacle very reverently and immediately, we all dropped to our knees.  The presence of the Lord in that room was so strong and we couldn't help but praise him and sing.  As we were praying, a couple of us that had our eyes open, witnessed this "ball of flesh" turn red and begin to pulsate. When we were done praying, it went back to being a grayish white color with frayed edges.  He then put it back in the tabernacle and proceeded to talk to us.  He again said he didn't know what he was going to do and that is when we offered to take it back to the monastery on campus. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  My heart was pounding so hard.  I was so nervous!  That is exactly what we ended up doing however and we held it in the car as we drove an hour back to campus.  The whole way back was surreal and the presence of the Lord was so powerful. We were singing and praying the whole way back. Again as we were praying, it was turning red and seemed to be pulsating. There were also lots of prophetic words coming to us.  One had to do with the scripture passage from 1 Timothy 4:12 - "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young..." We had a sense that we might not be received real well when we got back to campus.

When we got back to campus it was already dark.  We knocked on the monastery door and one of the friars answered.  We told him what we had and he asked, "What would you be doing with it?!" We then asked for another friar who personally knew the associate pastor of the church we came from.  He then came out, heard our story and seemed to believe.  He then told us he would keep it safe and contact his superior to see what should be done.  We felt relieved that it was out of our hands.

The whole next week was surreal.  Everywhere we went it seemed people would randomly talk about the Eucharist.  One example was when I was having a conversation with a girl about hand lotion and then she randomly said she always checks her hands after receiving communion because every little piece is fully Jesus. It seemed the Lord was confirming to us that this really was a miracle.

After a week went by, I approached the president of the university. I asked him what was going on with the miracle.  He told me it had started to dissolve and the priest we had met with at the monastery was asked to consume it. Once I heard this, I had a peace come over me.  I felt for some reason the Lord just had the few of us witness this. That experience definitely gave me a deeper understanding and devotion to the true presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. It is only within the last couple years however that I have really begun to understand the infinite level of intimacy and love offered to us by receiving his body and blood. The real miracle is that at every mass the bread becomes Jesus' body and blood and we get to receive him into our bodies and souls.  The real challenge when we receive him, however, is to allow him to enter all the inner chambers of our heart.

Better to have Loved and Lost...

I really have it on my heart to write about what I have learned through my miscarriage.  Even though about 50 percent of women experience miscarriage, I am finding that it is almost taboo to talk about.  The reason might be different for different people.  For some it may just be too painful to talk about and others think it is too personal of a topic. Still another reason that I am finding out about is a feeling of shame. Some women actually feel there is something wrong with them that they were not able to carry a healthy baby to term. One woman even recently shared with me that a neighbor told her it was probably for the best because she had enough kids. If it will help others, I am willing to talk about my experience and what I have learned from it.  

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I had a real sense of just how sacred this little life was.  When I lost the baby, I felt like it was the Lord showing me that even though this life was short, it was no less important. Part of the pain of the miscarriage was that I didn't see it coming.  The thought didn't even enter my mind.  Thinking about it however, I am glad the Lord didn't show me because I may not have bonded with my child.  I have also wondered what I would have done if the Lord had told me even before I conceived, "I would like you to conceive a baby but this baby will only live 9 short weeks and then I will bring him to heaven."  I believe I still would have said yes. Whether a life lives only a few short weeks in the womb or 100 years on this earth, it is still sacred and a precious gift. Bringing a new life into the world that will go on to live into eternity is something to be proud of. I can honestly say at this point that I feel as though I have gained something instead of lost.

I will admit that I grieved for about a week but at the same time the Lord was whispering sweet nothings in my ear and it made it hard to be sad.  One thing that was painful for me to think about was the possibility of the baby being a boy because I believe God has promised me a boy.  While in prayer, I felt like the Lord said, "Thank you for giving me your first son."  When I heard those words however, I had peace.  Heck, how can you be upset when Jesus thanks you for something?! 

Another thing that was on my mind after I had my miscarriage is something the Lord revealed to me regarding aborted babies.  I felt like he showed me that one of the tragedies behind abortion is that these babies were not given the opportunity to sacrifice for others and grow in love.  Even Jesus said, in regards to Judas committing suicide is, it would have been better if he hadn't been born (Matt.26:24).  This indicates to me that it is not a good thing not to ever be born.  I was praying about this and believe the Lord showed me something pretty profound.  I felt like he showed me that miscarried babies like mine, benefit from our love and willingness to sacrifice for them and they carry that grace up to heaven with them.  We felt led to name our son, Benjamin. Benjamin in the bible was the beloved youngest son of Jacob.  It comforts me to think of my Benjamin almost with a glowing, neon sign on him that says CHERISHED! All the angels are probably gawking at him saying, "Wow, he was really loved!!!" Even though Benjamin didn't get to sacrifice and grow in love, he benefited from our love and sacrifice for him.

One thing that has really been on my heart lately--and that I have been praying about--is the plight of aborted babies.  It makes me sad to think they didn't have parents that were able to love them and willing to sacrifice for them.  I have been asking the Lord if there is anything I could do to help them have the same glory as our Benjamin.  Who knows, maybe through this the Lord is stirring up a calling in me.  For now at least, it is leading me to intercede on their behalf.

Purif-eye-ing

NASA photo of the Helix Nebula
taken by the Hubble Space
Telescope has been labeled the 'Eye of God'

The quickest way to be purified by the Lord is to have him look straight at you and into your heart. Several years ago I had a vision of the Lord's eyes.  They were periwinkle blue and see through like glass.  They were beautiful beyond description and when he looked at me they seemed to pierce right through me and my heart was laid bare. I asked him how to back up my experience with scripture because the only scripture I knew of that described his eyes was from Revelation 1:14 - "His eyes were like blazing fire." I felt like he asked, "Can't you just take things at face value?" but then he answered my question and asked, "What is the hottest part of the flame?" I then realized that the hottest part of the flame was the bottom of the flame which is periwinkle blue. 

The next several weeks proved rather challenging and were bittersweet as memories from my past started coming to the surface and the Lord came into those memories with his purifying work. In much the same way as gold is purified in the fire, the dross in my heart came to the surface and needed to be skimmed off. This is not necessarily a fun process but necessary to become more like Jesus and become brighter so his glory can shine through us. I hope some day I will get to the point where people can look in my eyes and see the love of Christ looking back at them.

2 Chronicles16:9 - "For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."

Sweet Nothings

When I was a little girl we lived out in the country and there were lots of little purple flowers called clover blossoms that would grow in the field.  Somehow I discovered that if you pulled off a petal and sucked on it,  it contained sweet nector. I don't know if many people would  know that about this unassuming flower.  In the same way, when we join our sufferings to Christ's sufferings they become so sweet. Somehow when we join our sufferings to Christ, he takes them and turns them into something beautiful.  He has a way of turning our sorrow into joy.

"The holy sufferings of Jesus is a sea of sorrows, but it is also a sea of love.  Ask the Lord to teach you to fish in this sea.  Immerse yourself in it, and , no matter how deeply you go, you will never reach the bottom.  Allow yourself to be penetrated with love and sorrow. In this way you will make the sufferings of the gentle Jesus your own. Fish for the  pearls of the virtues of Jesus. This holy fishing is done without words." - St. Paul of the Cross

The Power of One

One of my favorite bible passages is from Matthew 11:28  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." 

The last 15 years or so, the Lord has been teaching me to rest in him and rely on his grace and strength for everything I do. I have come a long way but I still find myself getting stressed and overwhelmed instead of enjoying life and walking in joy. There are  the bills, the laundry, the daily meals that need to be prepared, and everything that goes into being a wife and the mother of 5 children.  I have prayed about this and have concluded that I must be doing something wrong if I still get overwhelmed and burdened down.  Jesus' prayer to his Father came to me one day when I was praying about it:

John 17:10-12 - All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name—the name you gave me—so that they may be one as we are one.

I believe this scripture holds the key. Before the sin of Adam, our mind, body and spirit acted as one.  We were fully integrated and there wasn't a conflict between what our will wanted to do and what we actually did.  It was a lot easier to worship God through everything we did.  Now, after the Fall, it is harder.  Paul says in Romans 7:15 - "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  The good news however is that Jesus paid the price through his death on the cross, not just so we can go to heaven someday but so we can be fully integrated and transformed into Christ's image. So that we can have life to the fullest! In John 17, Jesus says that he will remain no longer in the world.  It was important that he go to the Father so that the Holy Spirit could be released to all believers, not just so we can have a warm fuzzy, spiritual experience, but so we can have the power to be transformed.  He desires us to be one as he and the Father are one. He desires us to be set apart and holy. 

Still it doesn't come naturally. We need to discipline ourselves and be willing to take up our cross. One thing that is helping me to be mindful of Christ all day long and worship him in everything I do is committing to morning and evening prayer (Liturgy of the Hours) and repeating something like the "Jesus Prayer" all day long. These things are proving to be transformative and helping to line up my mind, body and spirit in accordance with God's will. I still have a ways to go but I look forward to the day when I radiate joy because I am able to see Christ in every detail of my life!